Beau & Belle Littles Reusable Swim Diapers

This week I got to test out these adorable swim diapers. Since Minna has basically outgrown the other pair of reusable swim diapers we had, I was excited to get my hands on these cute one, and almost for free in return for a honest review. 

Well, I'm having mixed feelings. Interacting with the company was a real pleasure. So approachable, friendly, and eager to do a great job. I wanted to give them a glowing review. Unfortunately, there were a few draw backs for me with these swim diapers. Good stuff first though! First of all, I should say that these diapers are really well made. I stretched them, and pulled them, tested each button, checked all the seams, and they really look, feel and hold up to a well made diaper. Yay! I love good quality. The design is cute. I love the soft green. I'm a fan of adjustable sizes. And eco-friendly products. The love of the company is in the small details, such as the care tag that includes a funny little "for worst results" idea.

 The disappointing parts came when I actually put the swim diapers on Minna. They were advertised for weight 5-36 lbs. With Minna being 16 months old, but only weighing 21 lbs, and being 29 inches tall, I figured these will work for a while. However, at the biggest setting they were already a bit tight. Now, I think tight is good when it comes to baby swim diapers. I don't want leakage. But, I just cannot see how we could use these up to 36 lbs, without them starting to cut quite a bit into her legs and waist. The other issue that I was worried about was that the swim diapers will not let any water through, and create a droopy bottom. In the past, I simply used adjustable cloth diaper covers as "swim diapers", and these swim diapers are basically just that. They are cloth diaper covers, with the addition of a mesh lining on the inside that makes these a little more suitable for naked bums, and still allows for easy clean up. Anyway, when I used cloth diaper covers in the past, they would catch all the water, and it would pool in the bottom, pulling down the diaper a bit, and creating a droopy swim diaper. I didn't like that, and it's what pushed me into buying "real" reusable swim diapers. I'm a bit disappointed to be back to the droopy bottom. :(

The last issue I encountered that was more of a personal disappointment was that I had hoped for something that has a bit absorbency in the lining. I often put the swim diapers on at the house, before I jet to the pool with the kids. And for those few minutes of sitting in a car seat with a swim diaper, I like something that catches a bit of liquid. So, to me that was a bit of a let down, but it's not a real issue. If you should for hygiene, the design of Beau & Belle Littles Swim Diapers is definitely better! I gave the diapers a 3-star rating on Amazon. Which made me a little sad. They really are well-made diapers. The size being an issue, however, was a big draw back, and the droopy bottom didn't help.

VelloStar Liquid Chalk Markers

I've started reviewing products that I receive for free in return for, well, my reviews on social media and Amazon.
One thing we just tested out are liquid chalk markers. I thought they might be something cool for my art loving kids, but was a little worried at the same time about the "liquid" part. I was wrong to worry.

These markers are amazing. I love them so much already. They are basically just great markers, with which you can draw on glass or rocks or similar surfaces. They dry fast. They don't make much of a mess, and wash off. They have exchangeable tips. And my kids cannot get enough of them. They've been coloring about every rock in our backyard. Nothing makes me happier than a simple product that keeps my kids happily entertained outside!

Wah, It's Already 2014

Time flies. And I feel like I get nothing accomplished. I'm sitting here, sick with, dunno, the flu or a cold. I just want to roll up in bed and pass out, but with Alba and Emilia home it's not that easy. We just got back from Germany on Sunday. On the flight back they watched movies for almost the entire (11.5 hours) flight. So, I'm not sure I want to turn on a movie again for a month or so.

So, I waste my time here. I wanted to reflect on the last year. I wanted to post pictures of my family. I wanted to ponder on all the things I feel I've failed at. How horrible of a mother I think I am right now. On how I'm not sure whether we should have more kids, whether I can handle more, but how I kind of would like one more. But not really. But I don't think I'm done. Urgh. Life.

I wanted to write about the things I want to change this year. What I want to do better. Focus on. Let go. The things I need to plan/do when visiting family so it's not as frustrating of an experience for me. I want to find balance. I want to make sense of my emotions and what's happening in my life, because I don't think I've been very happy recently.

I've had a panic attack (I think) in November. I think I've been dealing with depression. But I don't even know. I think I should see a therapist again, but I'm reluctant to pick up the phone. I want to pursue more education down the road, but I feel overwhelmed at the mere thought. I can't figure out the whole kid thing. I'm stressed with the kids I have. I'm angry a lot.

I hate who I am these days. I feel unsure of myself, unloved, and like a failure at everything I attempt. I want to rise above it, but feel unsure how to do it.

I've been thinking about feeling loved. My therapist I saw last year asked me what made me feel loved. And when I started to really think about it, I realized I don't even know. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing in the whole world that makes me feel truly loved. Then I thought I do feel love when my kids hug me. I feel true joy when they dance and sing and are happy and cute (and don't tear apart the house while being happy and cute). My kids bring me a lot of joy, and love. But also stress. STRESS. Emilia has been so hard for me to deal with. She can be the happiest, smarted, cutest baby. And I've really come to love her so deeply. But man, when she's hurting/tired/frustrated/angry, she's soso hard to deal with. She'll scream this high-pitched angry scream that is driving me crazy. She fights me tooth and nail when I try to give her medicine, because she's in pain. It's been so frustrating, and I've yelled at her in anger, said horrible things to her, more or less shoved her in her bed and stomped off to cool down, and often had the very real desire to inflict some real physical pain on her. I haven't - thank goodness. It's just been so...hard. I seem to have no patience for her tantrums and angry screams. Her screams have made complete strangers comment on it. She's barely 14 months old, and she'll hit me, too when she's upset.

Sigh. To think about how I've felt and treated her feels to depressing, dark and hopeless to me. I feel like the worst mother, even though I know that others have probably felt and done similarly in stressful and hard situations with their kids. Parenting is hard. Yet, I wanted to be better than this.

And then I feel like I take a lot of my anger out on Henry - the person who's been the kindest and most patient and loving with me in the whole wide world. Sometimes I'm amazed he hasn't left me yet. I criticize him a lot, and he's automatically always blamed for everything that goes wrong. Such horrible patterns of mine.

Deep sigh again. Life so isn't perfect.

Yet, we've had lots of fun and good times this last year. We've traveled tons. We've gone to Germany, Austria and Spain. We've visited Disneyland. We went to the Monterey Aquarium. We've spent lots of time exploring the Bay area. We went camping in Utah, and also near the Bay Area. We've gone to Oregon. We've been swimming tons and tons.

What does 2014 have in store for us? Can I change? Can I be a better mother and wife? Can I learn to love myself more? Can I come to a place of peace? Rekindle my friendships? Have a plan for the future? Reduce my fears? Reach out more? Serve more?

I feel so alone and so overwhelmed. But I want to change so badly.

Life

So, my last post was kind of dramatic. Let me start of by saying that my nephew is recovering well. He's still in the hospital and has a long path of recovery ahead, but he's mostly out of the woods, and should be fine. I'm very happy about that. Also, I didn't write in my journal or anything. Guess there was enough magic without my input.

What else has happened since? Emilia has turned 1 year old. Wow. That just snuck up on us. She's such a smart little person. She's really dainty - long but skinny. Yet full of energy. She climbs on everything and into everything. When we dance, she totally dances with us. It's adorable. She also wants to feed herself, especially with a spoon and she gets upset when I won't let her. She is usually all smiles or upset. Not much inbetween. Today I saw her playing with a toy shot, and she kept trying to put the plunger part back into the syringe. It was cool to observe her motor skills and seeing that she also had figured out what she needed to do. She's definitely a clever little cookie.

Then, we also traveled a lot in November. We spent a weekend in Monterey, and I took the girls to the aquarium there, which was pretty fun. We also hung out with my friend Monique and her kids, and spent some time at the Curiodyssey. I also had to stop at the German Embassy to pick up my certificate that allows me to apply for US citizenship. Lovely...

The weekend before Thanksgiving I had the chance to go to Seattle with my fMh friends. It was my first break in over 5 years without any kids or Henry. I had been pretty stressed up to the day that I left, trying to have everything clean, organized, ready for Henry to take over, and when I left I felt pretty grouchy. I had yelled a lot at the kids in the morning, and also Henry, and I was also supertired. I hadn't slept much because Emilia hadn't been sleeping well in the last while.

So, before I knew it, on my way up to Medford, I got pulled over and got a big ol' speeding ticket. I totally felt apart, and had my first-ever panic attack. I couldn't breath, and couldn't really move, and was all cold and shaking, and just felt total despair. Such a horrible feeling. The police officer was totally not helpful and kept trying to get me to keep driving, so I eventually drove to the first exit a few hundred yards away, and then tried to calm down enough to call Henry.

Anyway, the trip started off horribly, but I had such a blast in Seattle with my fMh peeps. So much laughter, and good conversations. On Friday night we went to a Filipino restaurant that also had a drag show. It was pretty fun, and at the end we all just danced in the little restaurant. Good times. We also all participated in a little home baby blessing. Then it just branched out into some of us wanting blessings, and we just blessed each other. It was such a beautiful and neat experience. I asked for a blessing as well, because I felt so broken and depressed. Everyone just laid there hands somewhere on my body - most of my friends just on my back. Just the feeling of having hands squeeze my hand, and hold my back during the blessing felt so nourishing, and less awkward than someone standing above me, pushing down with their hands. It was a beautiful moment of sisterhood, and bonding. We all were in tears, too. I think because the Spirit and sense of love was so strong. Loved it.

For Thanksgiving, we had Maren's kids here as well as the Elders and Grandpa Bob. It's always nice to have company. Joe and Steph didn't want us to come down to the hospital because Emilia still had a cold (it also turned out that she had an ear infection). Maren wanted to see us though, and so we agreed to come down to the Bay area this weekend.

And what a sucky weekend it was. A snow storm was supposed to come in in the afternoon, so I tried to have everything ready to get out on time. It was stressful. Henry had to leave later and drive down Ruth's car. He just barely made it out, and actually started sliding on the way down to Redding. When we got to the hotel, Maren wasn't there. I tried texting and calling, but didn't hear from her. I was feeling a bit yucky already by then, and so decided to just grab food for everyone and just go to sleep. But instead I started just hanging out in the bathroom waiting to barf. And barf I did eventually. Then I got some sleep, woke up 2 hours later, barfed again. And then suddenly Sophia and Alba also woke up and started barfing. Before we knew it, we had a real barf fest going on. The toilet eventually flooded. The hotel was supernothelpful and brought us toilet paper when I called and asked for towels and a plunger. Then they brought 4 towels which didn't seem enough, but they supposedly couldn't give us more. It was ridiculous. In between all that the girls kept barfing, while Emilia slept soundly in her bed.

We switched rooms eventually at 3am int he night, because they said they couldn't do anything about the toilet. Man! And then, to top things off, in the morning, when we wanted to wash off all the nastiness, there was no hot water. And then the battery in our car was dead.

And of course Maren didn't want to see us, because we were all sick. I was pretty frustrated with the whole thing, because we spent all that money and time to come down, just to see Maren. And then I felt like she didn't even make any effort to contact us and see if she could see us.

Oh, well. Luckily, the drive home was barf-free, and the kids seemed to be feeling much better again. We even stopped for groceries in REdding and were stunned by all the snow on the ground. Fortunately, the roads up to Burney were also clear. On Sunday we just stayed home, and it was the best.

It was so restful to not have to be stressed out about getting everyone to Church on time. Everyone got plenty of sleep, which was so needed by all of us. We spent the day making cookies together, and ginger bread houses, and singing Christmas songs, talking about Christmas, and service, and then also did Blessing Bags for the homeless in Redding. It was a really great  and simple service activity for the kids, and they totally loved it.

When we put them to bed, Sophia kept talking about all the things we could and should do for those who don't have homes, how we should just build them homes, and talk to people so they help build them homes etc. It was so cute.

Our advents singing was also so fun. The girls all danced to the singing, or played their flutes. I love my little family.

In between all this we also had Henry's business Christmas party last Wednesday, which was ok. We had it at the Rex Club, and I was pretty disappointed with the speed of their service (dinner was served about 1 hour after the agreed time) as well as the quality of the food. Sigh. I don't think we'll go there again.

The Relief Society Christmas party was nice and simple though. We just did soup and salad, which I loved. At the end, Sis. Valentine even gave me her ornament (we had all gotten a really awesome hand-made ornament). Made me think that I need to start to forgive and try to be nice as well.

Ok. Time for bed. Just a boring, little family update.

When Death Comes Knocking On Your Door

Last week my little 18-months old nephew was flown to Children's Hospital in Oakland. He got sick with E.Coli. At first, things looked like he was fairly sick, but would be fine. Then things went downhill quickly as he developed a bunch of rare, but very serious complications, the main one being HUS (it destroys red blood cells). The little guy was on dialysis, due to kidney failure, a oscillator, because his lungs got damaged when he inhaled vomit, and then his intestine started getting necrotic. On Wednesday things looked really bad, and we all thought he'll not survive all the complications that kept piling up on him. He had surgery on Wednesday that doctors were afraid to perform due to his low red blood cells, but felt forced to do because otherwise death seemed certain. He has pulled through surgery 1. Today, he'll have more surgery, but he seems to have recovered a bit in the meantime. We're hopeful.

However, obviously, this has been hard for everyone, and particularly terrifying and heart-wrenching for his parents. I cannot imagine anything more heart-breaking and difficult than to see your child suffer, unable to help, just watching, and hoping for the best, but having to deal with the reality that your child may die. It just pulls every singe heart-string in a painful way. And in these trying times, it seems natural to me that we pull on all and everything that will give us a measure of hope, peace, strength and control in a situation that is usually so out of our control.

My brother-in-law called us all on Wednesday night to ask us to read our scriptures, pray and write in our journals each day. He felt that if we all did those things every day, that God may be able to heal his little son. We said we'd do that, and that we want to support them any way we can. And we really do.

However, when we hung up the phone, I told Henry that I haven't written in a journal in 15 years, and I'm sure not starting again now. My main issue was that while I think prayers, and fasts, and scripture study, and even journal writing can bless us personally, or can even unify us in intangible bonds, and strengthen us through this bond of unity and love, I do not believe that such things will alter the outcome of someone's life. Basically, I just do not believe that God will hold a little child hostage, and try to push us to action by threatening their life. I cannot believe that a God will spare someone's life if they do X, Y and Z, but if not, will let them die. When I take this situation outside of a religious realm, it would be an extremely emotionally manipulative situation. Imagine someone being able to help your child (a doctor), but they say they will only do the necessary acts to preserve the life of your child if you start exercising for 1 hour every day and get all your friends to do the same.

It's certainly doable. But it would be a very coercive situation where the life of your child is put in the equation for other peoples' willingness to do something. If the child dies, the blame will be on everyone who was unwilling or unable to start exercising to spare the child's life.

I just cannot believe God works like that. So, I really don't think my reading my scriptures, or praying or writing in my journal will save my little nephew. I really don't believe it. More importantly, I don't believe that someone else receives inspiration for what I should do. So, even though I'm sure my brother-in-law did have the thought that doing these things will help, I don't actually believe that it was true inspiration, because I just don't think he'll receive inspiration as to what I or anyone else should or need to do. Nope. I don't believe that either.

So, as I've seen my extended family struggle through these trying times, I've been pondering how we use and view our faith in these situations. There have been emails going around with verses from the scriptures that teach how everything serves a purpose and that we can learn from hardship. I think they were supposed to comfort us, and yet I only found them annoying, because I don't find that comforting. Yes, we can always pull out something positive from truly awful situations, but to me that doesn't mean that situation is good or desirable nor that God actually WANTS that horrible thing to happen.

Which is one of the main things I've thought about. I don't actually believe God gives us trials. I don't. I don't think God wants us to suffer. I don't think he wants couples to be infertile. I don't think he wants little kids to die. I don't think he wants anyone to get sick. I don't think he wants anyone to be lonely or get abused or neglected. I don't think he wants anyone to lose their jobs, or have any other difficulties. I think God wants us to be happy. That all he wants for us is to just be happy. However, I do think he knew that when we entered mortality that that wouldn't happen all the time. We all knew there would be pain, suffering and hardship - not because God made it so, and often not even because we brought it upon ourselves through our choices, but just because that's what mortality does. When crap happens, I don't see it as a trial given to me by God - I see it as a consequences of living in a mortal world. Sometimes crap may happen because someone chose to be a horrible person (ie. abuse, murder, and that kind of stuff). Sometimes stuff just happens because we live in mortal bodies (ie. illness, death, infertility and those kind of things). Yet, a lot of Mormons make God responsible for the individual hardships, as well as the individual positive things.

I struggle with that. Mostly, because as much as I want to acknowledge God's hand in all things, I cannot accept a God who would willfully and on purpose PUSH for certain horrible things to happen. It's different to me to envision a God who knows that we will experience pain as we enter a certain situation, but that we chose that, and that he supports that choice vs. a God who's involved directly in allowing or pushing for certain bad things to happen. Nononono. My God does not make babies die. He does not starve his children or inflict hardship on them. No. We might, or our mortal state may, but not God.

The hard part about this is that my disbelief in a God who gives us pain and hardship, also includes a lack of belief in a God who works a miracle if we have enough faith/do X, Y or Z. I know there are examples in the scriptures of miraculous things happening. And I don't want to say that I don't believe in miracles, because in a way I do. And I think I've even witnessed things that seem to go beyond sheer luck or coincidence. So, somehow I believe in supernatural events. But then again, I feel deeply uncomfortable with our conclusions how these come to be. If you have hundreds of people pray for someone, and have full faith that all will be well, and that person still dies - did they really not have enough faith? Did they just not do enough of the "right things"? Where does this leave anyone who's not even a Christian? Are they automatically doomed because they don't have the right connections? Will God punish someone for the "sins" of another person? Will he stay his hand, when there isn't enough faith/righteousness? I just cannot, CANNOT believe it.

I'm not sure when and if God gets involved and works a miracle. I do think that our own perspectives can influence how we view things and can thus influence a positive outcome. For example, someone who has faith that if they pray for help to find their keys, will have some divine help, may search and look differently than someone else without that perspective. Maybe they're more relaxed as they look. Maybe they'll check every illogical place when they think about checking it, because they consider it inspiration, and thus set themselves up for a better outcome. When the keys are found, it's a prayer answered. But did God really guide them and alter the outcome? Or did our faith, our perspective and willingness to tackle something differently than we might up lead to the desired outcome?

As I said, I do think prayer, fasting, scripture study etc. are useful and important things. I feel they help us tune in to ourselves and to our Heavenly Parents. I think they alter how we see the world, others and ourselves, which in return can bring us increased peace as we understand and handle things differently than we otherwise would. But I don't think a group fast will improve the chances of someone getting healed. I don't think the number of people praying will change the results. Maybe the sense of support, and positive thoughts/love coming someone's way will improve their resilience and thus help their chances of survival. So, again, I'm not saying praying etc. are pointless. I just can't get behind the idea that doing those things will lead to healing, and not doing them worsens the situation or something.

I think God's commandments are given to us, mostly to change us - not someone else. Also, I think it's interesting that my brother felt we should write in our journals along with prayer and scripture reading...like, it's a commandment? Because, really it isn't.

I guess, mostly, I'm just thinking about what we do when our backs are pushed against the wall. My extended family seems to find a lot of comfort right now in praying a ton, and passing around scriptures, and going to the temple and all. I feel annoyed. The citing of scriptures doesn't make me feel better. I already know those scriptures. It doesn't ease the worry or pain at all for me. At all. I feel in fact that it brushes the seriousness and the very real pain aside somehow.

Ok, I need to stop. I think I realize that everyone has very different coping strategies when the going gets rough. I realize the gospel is supposed to comfort us in these times, and to me there is comfort in gospel understanding. I guess I just look at a very different gospel than my family, and so I feel in an uncomfortable spot.

At the end of the day though, I just want my little nephew to get well. Whatever it takes. I just don't want anyone have to bury their children, especially not family. I hope he will be ok. I feel confident that things will work out. There's no real reason for me to think that other than that's just how I've felt all along. He'll pull through and be ok. Inspiration? Me tapping into the vibes of the universe? Or just my personality? Who knows.